Making Changes All the Time

About a month ago I had a full-on meltdown.

Everything that had been building up slowly

just started to spill out.  After months of

downplaying my depression and anxiety over

this balancing act I'd been trying to do, a very

good friend recognized that I might not be OK.

She waved the flag, blew the whistle, and it set me free.

I talked all of my stuff out with the husband, it was

a much needed communication and recommitment to

ourselves.  I made a choice in those next few days to start

choosing love, and to pave a new way- since the current

way really was not working.

The changes now are small and slow.  It's everything from

being more clear about the things that I need,  choosing to

be positive instead of negative, bringing back the things that

give me joy, taking time for myself and for my husband, and

truly enjoying my time with the baby.

I'm trying to be more proactive with creating.  I'm slowly

throwing together a new website, I have been giving myself

small writing assignments on the train (more on this in 

another post), and I am starting my 

Artist Residency in Motherhood  on July 1st. 

(You can find me on the map!)

The Residency was created for mothers to make art through 

motherhood not despite it. It will begin to weave it back into 

the fabric of the everyday instead of being a scramble to just 

get anything done.  I feel good that I've taken these steps, 

it feels good to make changes. It feels good to be

choosing love and positivity, though it's not always 

the easiest choice.

All roads are long, and seldom are they easy to travel. 

But I feel good about the way the wind is blowing right now, 

and hope that more changes continue to happen.

Not So Sweet Surrender

The best effort I could make for lunch today
was cereal with strawberries. Heating something up
seems far beyond my abilities right now.
Hell hath no fury like a tired toddler.

There were tears on both sides, screams came from
that child like none I have ever heard before.
I had grand plans to be productive during the nap
but I think I'll pass. My bones are rattled.
I just want to be.

Latest Obsessions

*Bobo Choses
I rarely find myself daydreaming about clothes anymore.
I've got bigger fish to fry and I'd rather spend
my money on fancy bottles of wine. But this. THIS.
I can't stop thinking about their Women's collection.
I want to own it all.  I NEED that Matisse shirt with the
striped pants to match. NEED, do you hear me?!
wow. this never happens....and don't even get
me started on the kids clothes. too stinkin' cute.

*The Great British Baking Show
There is something very soothing about
watching people make desserts, and this show
relies less on the drama that American cooking
shows like to create. One thing that is hilarious
is what they consider to be "Traditional American"
flavors. Those always end up being a shit show...which
is probably how our cuisine might look to others.

*Shore Time

My family booked our little shore house in
Ocean City again and I cannot wait to be down there.
I love waking up early and walking to the bakery,
grabbing some coffee and just sitting out on the porch.
It feels so good to be by the ocean for a week, and the
Boardwalk food is a wonderful indulgence. The fudge is
going to love it, so many places to run!


*Mantra:
In general we must not wish for the disappearance 
of our troubles, but for grace to transform them.
-Simone Weil

*Rhubarb

I am pretty sure that this shows up on my Latest
Obsessions each spring- but every year it's just as
wonderful.  Of course the first thing that I made was
my signature cake- the rhubarb upside down. But this
week I wanted to try something new so I made rhubarb
snacking cake . I think my streusel game was pretty weak
but they actually turned out quite delicious. I highly
recommend trying both. Embrace the rhubarb.














*Making the Most of Monday
It's the day that fudge and I have together, and
lately I've been trying to do as much as we can.
In the last few weeks we've been down to Chinatown,
to Washington Sq. Park, the MoMA cafe, Central Park,
Central Park Zoo, and the Met.  He loves to be out
and about so I try tomake that happen- and I also try
to squeeze in things that I want to do.
Hopefully laying the groundwork for him
loving art museums as much as I do.

Farewell, Coconut Island

In Vino shut its doors this past Monday.
A little piece of my heart shattered when I
heard the news.  I had spent 4 years there, which
is still my longest stint anywhere. I worked with
some of my best friends and fell in love with wine.

But it wasn't all coconuts and porcini ravioli. It was still
waiting tables, though some of the most horrific nights
are just funny stories now. My favorite will always be
Valentine's Day 2009, it was  decided last minute that
we would offer a Prix-Fix menu-Which we had totally
not prepared for. We ran out of EVERYTHING. We were
all in the weeds for the whole night,  customers were livid
and we were comping so much stuff. Every single staff member
cried at some point that night. It was horrendous, and the
worst part was that we barely made any money.
But we were all in it together.

I will cherish my memories of doing the crossword puzzles
before the shift, having coffee on the bench and
people watching,turning the name of a bar into a verb (Croxley),
Friday's behind the bar, eating way too much bread, pasta,
and tiramisu, laying on separate banquettes and yelling about
coconuts, setting up with Eli and hearing him sing Kraftwerk songs,
belting out "I Want it That Way" and having a bewildered Japanese
couple walk in right in the middle of it, the time the power
went out and we had to eat all the cheese in the fridge-
dinner at Mama's followed, skee-ball at Ace Bar after a shift,
Sunday football at Mara's, that time we took a cab to Lakeside
because we didn't want to walk 4 blocks, the parties outside
of work(4th of July- or that Superbowl when Usher showed up!),
celebrating birthday/ weddings etc, truly loving the people
that I worked with and for.

In Vino was home for awhile. I'm glad that I got to be a part of it.

Aura

"Even in the struggle, you are loved.

You are being loved not in spite of the hardship, but through it.

The thing you see as wrenching, intolerable, life’s attack on you,

is an expression of love.

There is the part of us that fears and protects and defends and expects,

and has a story of the way it’s supposed to turn out.

That part clenches in fear, feels abandoned and cursed.

There is another part, resting at the floor of the well within, that understands:

this is how I am being graced, called, refined, by fire.

The secret is, it’s all love.

It’s all doorways to truth.

It’s all opportunity to merge with what is.

Most of us don’t step through the doorframe.

We stay on the known side.

We fight the door, we fight the frame, we scream and hang on.

On the other side, you are one with the earth, like the mountain.

You hum with life, like the moss.

On the other side, you are more beautiful:

wholeness in your bones, wisdom in your gaze,

the sage-self and the surrendered heart alive."- Tara Mohr

Latest Obsessions

*Mr. Penumbra's 24-Hour Bookstore
Wonderful story. This book jumped out
to me from the stacks at The Strand and I'm
so glad it did.














*This bathing suit. Asymmetrical
tops have always been a favorite of mine.













*Korean Beef Lettuce Wraps
I really can't get enough of this recipe,
for a quick version I use ground beef and
just dump the marinade in and cook it down.
It's wildly delicious and easy to make.

*Rosemary & Thyme
Another British mystery show to add to my list.
Here is the IMDB description: "Set amongst the stunning 
gardens of Europe, Rosemary Boxer and Laura Thyme, 
two professional gardeners, find themselves drawn 
into solving mysterious crimes."  It's streaming
on Netflix right now.

*“I know that I’m not the easiest person to live with. 
The challenge I put on myself is so great that the person 
I live with feels himself challenged. I bring a lot to bear, 
and I don’t know how not to.”
– Maya Angelou

This quote hits home, but I don't want it to.

So much I want to improve about myself.

Brick by brick. Step by Step

Oh So Quiet.

It's quiet in my house. I'm completely alone.

I'm always amazed by what can get done
in 1hr when you don't have a baby to care for.

It's nice to visit this every once in awhile and to
deeply appreciate a quiet morning.

But I'll welcome the chaos with open arms when it
returns.