Everything

I've been trying to write a post for weeks.
But I find myself too short on time or unable
to put thoughts into words.

I don't know that I can ever write anything
that will do justice to the birth/baby experience.
I can only say that it is everything.

Amazing, awful, dark, light, joyful, painful,
overwhelming, heartwarming, primal, terrifying,
intuitive, difficult, happy, sad, exhilarating.

Sometimes you feel all of those things at once
and you cry in a way that you never have before.
Other times my heart just overflows with love.

I have a whole new level of admiration and
understanding  for my parents (and for all parents).
I look at my Mom (and even random Moms
on the street) and I am in awe.  I see these women
as warrior goddesses. Sometimes I have to
remind myself that I am one of them,
that I did this, too.

Keep Hibernating

At our first midwife visit last July

they told me that I was due the second

week of March.  I pictured the tiniest of

buds being on the trees, those little purple

and white flowers beginning to poke their

heads out of the ground.  I really never pictured

a winter wonderland, but here we are.

I guess it's striking something within me today
because my Mom Mom predicted that he would
be born on the 5th, citing that the full moon would
bring him into this world.  Maybe it will, but
I would prefer that he hibernate a bit longer,
if only because getting to the midwives in this
weather will be a nightmare.

But babies don't care about things like traffic
or road conditions.  They arrive exactly when they are
supposed to. So we'll see.  For now I'll just
hide out in the house, maybe make a
big batch of pierogies and play the waiting game.

Latest Obsessions

*Love More, Fear Less
I don't remember how I found this site, but it quickly
became a favorite.  The quotes are well selected
and the site radiates a genuine positivity.  It's
a good place to go to be inspired.

*The Art of the Steal
A great documentary streaming on Netflix right now.
It presents a sad view of the art world and all of the
money and politics that move it. The husband and I now
struggle with wanting to see the collection but not
really wanting to support what it's become. Watch for
yourself.

*Kiwi & Grapefruit
Can't stop eating these right now. Their brightness
is always welcome during the winter doldrums.

*Daydreaming about clothes
I cannot wait to start wearing real clothes again-
it feels like I live in pajamas and stretch pants now
and all I want is to just be able to feel like I can participate
in the fashion game again. So many clothes in my closet that
I just can't wear.

*Sergei Polunin dancing to "Take Me to Church"
The beauty of dance.

Taking Leave

My maternity leave officially starts today, and I can
barely put into words what a relief it is.
New York can be such a go-go-go place that
you forget to listen to what your body is saying to you.

I got a real wake up call last weekend by tripping and falling
on some uneven sidewalk.  We spent a night getting monitored
in the hospital, everything with baby and I checked out OK, and
we got discharged at 4am. Thankfully the fall happened
about 50ft from our house, and the husband was not far away
so he was able to get home quickly.  We called our midwife
and doula and were told to go get checked out, just to be sure
nothing was wrong.

If you are reading this and wondering why you didn't hear about it
sooner it's because I wasn't really telling anyone.  It felt like
kind of a weird topic to call people with "hey, I fell but we're fine.",
but I'll share it here and get it out there so I don't really have to
talk about it again. The whole event makes me feel pretty uncomfortable
when I think about it, but it's woven into our birth story now,
so there it will stay.  Someday we'll laugh at it, but I'm not ready
to do that just yet.

I took away some important things from the ordeal, and though
I wish I couldhave just realized these things naturally,
sometimes you really need to be hit with them for it
to all finally sink in.

1.) It was time to slow down. Not time to be trying to balance
work with pregnancy brain and dealing with a frigid commute
everyday-hoping that someone (anyone) will actually give you
a seat on the subway.

2.) Accepting that I am so not prepared/centered
for the birth process. At the hospital there were procedures that
were very painful, which also led to bad contractions- granted
this was already a stressful situation where I didn't really want
the outcome to be the birth of our baby. So that does change things
-but I realized for the first time what kind of pains I might feel
in labor and really became aware of how much I needed to focus
on relaxing my body and remaining calm. I know that I will be
in a totally different mindset when I'm actually in labor,
but it was still beneficial to have gone through this experience-
if only to learn that I need to keep meditating and practicing
my relaxation techniques.

It all leads back to self care.  From now until the baby is born
I will be resting a lot, eating good foods, drinking lots of
raspberry leaf tea, meditating, going for small walks, and
watching a lot of Poirot mysteries.
Visitors are totally welcome.

36 Weeks

Here we are, the home stretch.
Next week I'll be considered full term,
and at that point it's up to him to choose
a birthday. (Though I'm hoping he gives us
a little more time to prepare for his arrival)

His room is coming together nicely,
though my little studio space is slowly getting
pushed out. We'll have to get very creative with
the use of that space.

The aches and pains are still very present,
but that's just how it goes at this point.
 He is slowly moving  further down and
when he does it's not exactly pleasant.
The first 2 times I felt those pains it scared me,
now I just try to picture him diving
deeper into an ocean and remembering that all
of these little pains are for a bigger purpose.

Aches and Pains

I'm convinced that the third trimester exists (not
just to finish growing the baby) but to make you so
unbelievably uncomfortable that all of your potential
fears about childbirth just melt away because you just
want this kid out of your body.

In the mornings it feels like being sore from a rigorous
yoga class where all you did was hip opening poses.
When walking anywhere further than 10 ft it seems
like that is exactly when the baby decides it's a really
good idea to just snuggle into your bladder or to
put so much pressure on your pelvic region that you
are sure he is trying to escape.

Overall I've enjoyed being pregnant, it's far exceeded
what I ever imagined it would be.  I can see my early 20's self
rolling her eyes and totally not believing that statement, but it's
true.  It has been magical to feel so connected to the universe
and to my body.  To feel tiny kicks in my belly and to know that
I am growing a human without even really trying.
I feel lucky to have this gift.

And that my friends, is the Jekyll and Hyde part of the third trimester.
Where your body is endlessly uncomfortable but you still manage
to find the silver lining about your pregnancy. It's crazy but true,
so many feelings run through your head all at once, some are sad
some are happy, some don't make any sense. But I rest easy
knowing that all of my feelings are important and that they are
keeping me present in this process.

Showered

Last Sunday my Mom and sisters threw me the most
wonderful nautical themed baby shower.































 It felt so good to celebrate the peanut
and to get so many amazing women in one room together.
The best part was that I didn't have to sit there and open presents,
so I actually had time to catch up with people.

There were so many special little touches, like seeing the
Shelly Family out on display.  My godfather got these for me
circa 1986,  I named the biggest one Shelly Turtle,
then we have Sister Shell,  and Baby Shell.
Somehow my mother managed to keep these
in amazing condition! Hopefully the peanut
will love them just as much as I do.

It was such a great day, and now I think we are pretty close to
being ready for the peanut's arrival- at least in terms of
baby gear.  Hopefully by next weekend his room will be
all set up for him.   Here's some more photos from
the shower.

This last picture is a perfect example of how
we can't go anywhere without dressing somewhat alike.
Either through patterns, color schemes, or exact articles of clothing.
Our trip to Charleston was laughable, we all wore
black blazers, scarves and skinny jeans and we all had bangs
at the time.  Then in Berlin, Meghan and I both brought
houndstooth dresses to wear to see the symphony.
Never gets old. Love these gals.