Good Enough & Smart Enough

Do you practice self-care?
I don't, but if you asked me last
week I would have said that I did.

I can be very hard on myself without
immediately realizing it.  Dinner could
have been better, I could have worked
harder on something, I could have been
more patient with the baby, I could have
used my free time better, how could I
have lost my phone, why did I forget
to pick up milk?

Little digs that add up after awhile.
Some of this is a result of the city that
I live in, some from the influence of social
media and this weird perfection that
everyone seems to attain, and the rest
from that old "you can have it all" mentality.
After realizing that I was very guilty of this,
I started to pave a path toward self-love.

I started reading articles about it, writing lists
of things that I was proud of, things that
brought me joy,  feeling gratitude for the
things that I have and for the people that
are in my life, taking joy in small moments,
and trying to treat myself like I would treat
a friend.  It's never a quick change,
but it's a good start to a gentler way of
living.

Making Changes All the Time

About a month ago I had a full-on meltdown.

Everything that had been building up slowly

just started to spill out.  After months of

downplaying my depression and anxiety over

this balancing act I'd been trying to do, a very

good friend recognized that I might not be OK.

She waved the flag, blew the whistle, and it set me free.

I talked all of my stuff out with the husband, it was

a much needed communication and recommitment to

ourselves.  I made a choice in those next few days to start

choosing love, and to pave a new way- since the current

way really was not working.

The changes now are small and slow.  It's everything from

being more clear about the things that I need,  choosing to

be positive instead of negative, bringing back the things that

give me joy, taking time for myself and for my husband, and

truly enjoying my time with the baby.

I'm trying to be more proactive with creating.  I'm slowly

throwing together a new website, I have been giving myself

small writing assignments on the train (more on this in 

another post), and I am starting my 

Artist Residency in Motherhood  on July 1st. 

(You can find me on the map!)

The Residency was created for mothers to make art through 

motherhood not despite it. It will begin to weave it back into 

the fabric of the everyday instead of being a scramble to just 

get anything done.  I feel good that I've taken these steps, 

it feels good to make changes. It feels good to be

choosing love and positivity, though it's not always 

the easiest choice.

All roads are long, and seldom are they easy to travel. 

But I feel good about the way the wind is blowing right now, 

and hope that more changes continue to happen.

Not So Sweet Surrender

The best effort I could make for lunch today
was cereal with strawberries. Heating something up
seems far beyond my abilities right now.
Hell hath no fury like a tired toddler.

There were tears on both sides, screams came from
that child like none I have ever heard before.
I had grand plans to be productive during the nap
but I think I'll pass. My bones are rattled.
I just want to be.