Lonesome Dove

There are plenty of things that no one tells
you about being a Mom. One of those things
is that you find yourself being painfully lonely.
Yes, your baby is always around, husband,
work folks- whoever. Somehow
it doesn't take away that feeling.

I felt the same when I first moved to NYC
10 years ago (yes, it's really been a full decade).
In a city of millions of people I felt so alone.
That changed of course as I began to carve out
my little place in this  big city,  I made friends,
had different jobs,  volunteered, went out, dated.
All of that helped to create a wonderful little network
of people that often feel more like family than friends.

But this is different, I don't have that kind of time
anymore and it's harder to keep in touch with friends.
Because when I actually do have time to make a phone
call,  I'm too tired or I just don't feel like talking.
Especially if I feel sad or overwhelmed, I can imagine
that no one wants to hear about that in the short time we
have to catch up. But sometimes I just need to get it out,
to just release it-which is what  the blog is for, I guess.

I know that only 6 months into this I've barely
scratched the surface of parenthood and I'm still
finding my way, striving to find any kind of
balance (which, I swear, does not truly exist
in this country- but that's another post altogether)
The whole point of having children is so that
you can spend time together as a family. How
can you do that when both parents work full time
and have to stagger their schedules to be
able to afford childcare? That's not right.

Which is how I find myself in a black hole
sometimes. It feels good when my Mom is here,
to have someone to talk to and laugh with, and I love
Sundays with the husband and fudge.  But the remaining
4 days of the week I feel very much alone. And
it's not the kind of alone time that I want.

This won't be a post with a resolution at the end, because
this is still a puzzle I'm trying to solve.  Motherhood
is an onion- so many layers.  I can feel alone but not sad,
I can love my baby to pieces and feel frustrated with him,
I can feel different every single day, and I do. Sometimes
all it takes is saying (or typing) things to help to clear the air.
So this is me, trying to clear the air.