Thankful.

I'm so thankful for this little goose, who has both
enriched our lives and created chaos at the same time.

For my husband who, for what ever reason, continues to
love me without abandon. I am so grateful for him,
 his sense of humor, and devotion to our family.

For family that helps us out and supports us when we need it
(which is always!) Words barely do it justice- but everything is
appreciated, from the words of wisdom and supplies of pork roll
to the (constant) babysitting.

For friends, new and old. Thankful to be on this Mama journey
with a few of you, and thankful for the friends who have
been there for support. All the food, hugs, drinks, wisdom,
bubble baths, and listening are so appreciated.

For good wine and food, and great folks to share it with.

For the natural beauty that exists within New York and for all
of my favorite places.

For foamy cappuccinos, morning snuggles,
sequins, lunges, art, dark chocolate, black squirrels,
pugs, massages, and quiet moments.

For love.

Wishing everyone who takes the time to read this
a very Happy Thanksgiving.

Bleeding Hearts Club

I'm convinced that 2015 is the year
of change, a test of strength, adventure, etc. etc.
It's a rough year, not just for me but so many
friends that I talk to say the same.
Everything is moving and shaking.
















The most beautiful part of this is that even
though everyone is fighting their own battle
and finding their own way, we can still relate.
There is something so comforting about that, and it
offers a rare opportunity to create this little village of
support without judgement.

Sometimes clarity finds you amid the chaos, and I do
feel as though I'm slowly finding my way to the
answers to questions that have been plaguing me this year.
Sometimes they aren't the ones that I wanted, but
I'm learning to change perspectives and be more open
to things-or at least trying. That's all we can do right?

So let's all embrace this fast-moving river while
we've got this energy around us. Rarely is there
so much action for so many people. Band together,
find your own bleeding hearts club, and hang on
because it's a wild ride.

All the Time in the World

Petit fudge is currently on his bi-monthly
week vacation to NJ, I managed to get 9 hours
of sleep last night. It's truly amazing what a
good night of sleep can do for your brain.

It's also incredible what you can accomplish
in just 45 minutes without having an infant around.
I managed to do a small yoga routine, make breakfast
and coffee for the husband and I, eat said breakfast
and slowly sip-not gulp- that coffee.  I will leave myself
with enough time to finish this blog, shower,
and get out of the house right on time.

Makes me wonder what the hell I was doing before baby.
How was I ever late? How did I ever feel like there
was not enough time? I know it's all perspective and you
can only work with what you are given, but wow...
I don't think I'll ever be a free-time waster again.

Happy Tuesday, everyone!

Magic Morning

I think that there are two times each day when
magic is very possible.  Sunrise and sunset.
Yesterday I found myself up with the sun and
heading into the city to have breakfast in bed
with a very dear friend.




















The beauty that exists at these magic times
of the day can be overwhelming.




















The breakfast was delicious and the company
was even better. How often do you get to
lounge in bed with a best friend and just
talk about everything?

It helps on so many levels.
Gaining a different perspective,
de-stressing, resetting your mind,
and hopefully helping them to do
the same.




















A bonus of the morning was that I got to
take a bubble bath. Because our tub at home
is a craphole, I take fancy bath opportunities
anywhere I can. I gave a generous pour of  my
treasured Aesop rose bath gel, got the water
as hot as I could stand it, and just sunk in.





















I left the hotel and headed to work,
feeling so refreshed and happy. Inspired
by my friend's positive attitude and ray of light.
I will try to embrace the fact that life doesn't
feel so balanced and enjoy these magic moments
as they happen.

Autumn Brunch

Before baby I tried to have friends over

for seasonal brunches/gatherings once or

twice a year.  I especially loved doing

something in the fall when the cool

breeze starts to roll in and the house

starts to feel extra cozy.  

This year we've been meeting friends

out instead of entertaining.  But next

year I hope to get back into these brunches.

For now all the ideas are living on pinterest, 

feel free to click through for Autumn inspiration.

   

Follow Littlebunny's board Autumn Brunch on Pinterest.

Like Lightning

I think I've stated before that I take it
seriously when things present themselves
to me more than once. Maybe it's nothing
but it's always worth investigating.

Recently The Wild Unknown Tarot deck
has presented itself to me more than once.
I had started to notice it a few weeks ago
and then it showed up more often. Finally
I was in ABC Carpet and Home yesterday
and there it was, staring me in the face.

That was that.

I drew my first card today,
asking what I needed to focus on
today and this came up

Ace of Swords:Truth & Mental Clarity
"Your mind will become
clear, your thoughts precise"

Spot on.

I'm looking forward to getting to know these cards.
The husband is really not a fan of the tarot but I've always
liked it. It's not so much witchcraft as it is finding a
connection with yourself. Reflecting on things
and finding, as the card says, mental clarity.

Lonesome Dove

There are plenty of things that no one tells
you about being a Mom. One of those things
is that you find yourself being painfully lonely.
Yes, your baby is always around, husband,
work folks- whoever. Somehow
it doesn't take away that feeling.

I felt the same when I first moved to NYC
10 years ago (yes, it's really been a full decade).
In a city of millions of people I felt so alone.
That changed of course as I began to carve out
my little place in this  big city,  I made friends,
had different jobs,  volunteered, went out, dated.
All of that helped to create a wonderful little network
of people that often feel more like family than friends.

But this is different, I don't have that kind of time
anymore and it's harder to keep in touch with friends.
Because when I actually do have time to make a phone
call,  I'm too tired or I just don't feel like talking.
Especially if I feel sad or overwhelmed, I can imagine
that no one wants to hear about that in the short time we
have to catch up. But sometimes I just need to get it out,
to just release it-which is what  the blog is for, I guess.

I know that only 6 months into this I've barely
scratched the surface of parenthood and I'm still
finding my way, striving to find any kind of
balance (which, I swear, does not truly exist
in this country- but that's another post altogether)
The whole point of having children is so that
you can spend time together as a family. How
can you do that when both parents work full time
and have to stagger their schedules to be
able to afford childcare? That's not right.

Which is how I find myself in a black hole
sometimes. It feels good when my Mom is here,
to have someone to talk to and laugh with, and I love
Sundays with the husband and fudge.  But the remaining
4 days of the week I feel very much alone. And
it's not the kind of alone time that I want.

This won't be a post with a resolution at the end, because
this is still a puzzle I'm trying to solve.  Motherhood
is an onion- so many layers.  I can feel alone but not sad,
I can love my baby to pieces and feel frustrated with him,
I can feel different every single day, and I do. Sometimes
all it takes is saying (or typing) things to help to clear the air.
So this is me, trying to clear the air.

Latest Obsessions

Gone are the days of truly taking the time for things.
I catch free time when I can.  I'd like to get back into
regular posts and what better way to start than
with some obsessions

*Mad Men- yes I know I'm late to the party on this one
but I'm finally watching and loving every minute.

*Plated- This is a godsend for new parents.  They send you
a box with all the ingredients for whatever recipes you choose.
The meals take about 30-45 minute to make.
We have been using it since March and have only had maybe
2 meals that we didn't love.  I always make sure to order things
that I wouldn't normally do- like lettuce wraps, pupusas, lamb
burgers. I have a few free weeks to give away, let me know if you
want to try.

*Box Kite- Finally, a good coffee place opened near where I work.
If you know me at all, you will know that few things make me
happier than a well made cappuccino.

*The Fall Harvest - I never want summer to end but I really
do love the fall and all of its treats.  I look forward to
cranberries, cider, brussel sprouts, roasting up pumpkin and
squash seeds, and showing the petit goose how magical
Autumn can be.

*The 6 month magical mark- Petit goose is super fun these days,
he will be 6 months old in 4 days and it's a good age to be. He
laughs a lot, is moving non-stop, loves to read books, and is
getting into snuggling.  I love our mornings where we all just
lounge in bed. Precious times.

*Getting my act together- I'm hoping to get a real website going
soon. Where you can view my art, pick my brain about wine, and
connect to  the blog. Sometimes the craziest times inspire action.
Stay tuned.

*The surf beach at Rockaway- less crowded, good shells, and a
lovely little coconut stand.

It's already tomorrow in Japan.

I've been trying to write a post about motherhood
for months now.  There is constantly so much
going on that writing a single post seemed impossible.

Because I cannot accurately write a cohesive paragraph
on the subject I'm just going to revert to my very safe and
trusty list.

*Motherhood is hard.

*I now feel like I am spread so thin, trying to be a mother,
wife, and full-time worker. I desperately want to exceed at all
of these things and find myself feeling like I just don't measure
up.

*I am too hard on myself. I'm working on this constantly.

*The love I have for this petit goose is overwhelming and epic.

*I fed my baby formula and it's OK. He sleeps in bed with us
sometimes and it's OK. I don't let him cry it out and it's OK.
You do what works and you support others that are just trying
to make it work. Stop with the Mommy Shaming.

*It's OK to cry, once again, being a parent is hard.

*I feel lucky to have such a sweet little boy, who we can take
everywhere with us and he just goes with the flow.

*My body is not the same, I'm learning to love it again.

*My body did an amazing thing. It grew and birthed a tiny
person. I need to give this body more credit than I do.

*I love and appreciate my husband so much.
It's hard on him, too.

*It really does take a village. Accept help and ask for it when needed.

*Finding time for yourself is necessary. You need it.
So does your partner. Get a massage, have dinner with a friend,
have date night, see a movie.
Whatever. It's SO necessary.

*Millions of people grew up without the help of parenting books,
sleep training, breast feeding, and whatever else.
Things work themselves out. Every baby is different and
all parents are different. Find your way.

I suppose that's it for now. There isn't a way for me to put
a lot of my feelings into words, it's just too big.  I think it's
a good thing to speak honestly about this whole ordeal.
No one wants to say it's hard because it feels like you are
admitting failure- but that's not true.  We need to
open up the conversation and just offer support.
We're all in this together.

Everything

I've been trying to write a post for weeks.
But I find myself too short on time or unable
to put thoughts into words.

I don't know that I can ever write anything
that will do justice to the birth/baby experience.
I can only say that it is everything.

Amazing, awful, dark, light, joyful, painful,
overwhelming, heartwarming, primal, terrifying,
intuitive, difficult, happy, sad, exhilarating.

Sometimes you feel all of those things at once
and you cry in a way that you never have before.
Other times my heart just overflows with love.

I have a whole new level of admiration and
understanding  for my parents (and for all parents).
I look at my Mom (and even random Moms
on the street) and I am in awe.  I see these women
as warrior goddesses. Sometimes I have to
remind myself that I am one of them,
that I did this, too.

Keep Hibernating

At our first midwife visit last July

they told me that I was due the second

week of March.  I pictured the tiniest of

buds being on the trees, those little purple

and white flowers beginning to poke their

heads out of the ground.  I really never pictured

a winter wonderland, but here we are.

I guess it's striking something within me today
because my Mom Mom predicted that he would
be born on the 5th, citing that the full moon would
bring him into this world.  Maybe it will, but
I would prefer that he hibernate a bit longer,
if only because getting to the midwives in this
weather will be a nightmare.

But babies don't care about things like traffic
or road conditions.  They arrive exactly when they are
supposed to. So we'll see.  For now I'll just
hide out in the house, maybe make a
big batch of pierogies and play the waiting game.

Latest Obsessions

*Love More, Fear Less
I don't remember how I found this site, but it quickly
became a favorite.  The quotes are well selected
and the site radiates a genuine positivity.  It's
a good place to go to be inspired.

*The Art of the Steal
A great documentary streaming on Netflix right now.
It presents a sad view of the art world and all of the
money and politics that move it. The husband and I now
struggle with wanting to see the collection but not
really wanting to support what it's become. Watch for
yourself.

*Kiwi & Grapefruit
Can't stop eating these right now. Their brightness
is always welcome during the winter doldrums.

*Daydreaming about clothes
I cannot wait to start wearing real clothes again-
it feels like I live in pajamas and stretch pants now
and all I want is to just be able to feel like I can participate
in the fashion game again. So many clothes in my closet that
I just can't wear.

*Sergei Polunin dancing to "Take Me to Church"
The beauty of dance.

Taking Leave

My maternity leave officially starts today, and I can
barely put into words what a relief it is.
New York can be such a go-go-go place that
you forget to listen to what your body is saying to you.

I got a real wake up call last weekend by tripping and falling
on some uneven sidewalk.  We spent a night getting monitored
in the hospital, everything with baby and I checked out OK, and
we got discharged at 4am. Thankfully the fall happened
about 50ft from our house, and the husband was not far away
so he was able to get home quickly.  We called our midwife
and doula and were told to go get checked out, just to be sure
nothing was wrong.

If you are reading this and wondering why you didn't hear about it
sooner it's because I wasn't really telling anyone.  It felt like
kind of a weird topic to call people with "hey, I fell but we're fine.",
but I'll share it here and get it out there so I don't really have to
talk about it again. The whole event makes me feel pretty uncomfortable
when I think about it, but it's woven into our birth story now,
so there it will stay.  Someday we'll laugh at it, but I'm not ready
to do that just yet.

I took away some important things from the ordeal, and though
I wish I couldhave just realized these things naturally,
sometimes you really need to be hit with them for it
to all finally sink in.

1.) It was time to slow down. Not time to be trying to balance
work with pregnancy brain and dealing with a frigid commute
everyday-hoping that someone (anyone) will actually give you
a seat on the subway.

2.) Accepting that I am so not prepared/centered
for the birth process. At the hospital there were procedures that
were very painful, which also led to bad contractions- granted
this was already a stressful situation where I didn't really want
the outcome to be the birth of our baby. So that does change things
-but I realized for the first time what kind of pains I might feel
in labor and really became aware of how much I needed to focus
on relaxing my body and remaining calm. I know that I will be
in a totally different mindset when I'm actually in labor,
but it was still beneficial to have gone through this experience-
if only to learn that I need to keep meditating and practicing
my relaxation techniques.

It all leads back to self care.  From now until the baby is born
I will be resting a lot, eating good foods, drinking lots of
raspberry leaf tea, meditating, going for small walks, and
watching a lot of Poirot mysteries.
Visitors are totally welcome.

36 Weeks

Here we are, the home stretch.
Next week I'll be considered full term,
and at that point it's up to him to choose
a birthday. (Though I'm hoping he gives us
a little more time to prepare for his arrival)

His room is coming together nicely,
though my little studio space is slowly getting
pushed out. We'll have to get very creative with
the use of that space.

The aches and pains are still very present,
but that's just how it goes at this point.
 He is slowly moving  further down and
when he does it's not exactly pleasant.
The first 2 times I felt those pains it scared me,
now I just try to picture him diving
deeper into an ocean and remembering that all
of these little pains are for a bigger purpose.

Aches and Pains

I'm convinced that the third trimester exists (not
just to finish growing the baby) but to make you so
unbelievably uncomfortable that all of your potential
fears about childbirth just melt away because you just
want this kid out of your body.

In the mornings it feels like being sore from a rigorous
yoga class where all you did was hip opening poses.
When walking anywhere further than 10 ft it seems
like that is exactly when the baby decides it's a really
good idea to just snuggle into your bladder or to
put so much pressure on your pelvic region that you
are sure he is trying to escape.

Overall I've enjoyed being pregnant, it's far exceeded
what I ever imagined it would be.  I can see my early 20's self
rolling her eyes and totally not believing that statement, but it's
true.  It has been magical to feel so connected to the universe
and to my body.  To feel tiny kicks in my belly and to know that
I am growing a human without even really trying.
I feel lucky to have this gift.

And that my friends, is the Jekyll and Hyde part of the third trimester.
Where your body is endlessly uncomfortable but you still manage
to find the silver lining about your pregnancy. It's crazy but true,
so many feelings run through your head all at once, some are sad
some are happy, some don't make any sense. But I rest easy
knowing that all of my feelings are important and that they are
keeping me present in this process.

Showered

Last Sunday my Mom and sisters threw me the most
wonderful nautical themed baby shower.































 It felt so good to celebrate the peanut
and to get so many amazing women in one room together.
The best part was that I didn't have to sit there and open presents,
so I actually had time to catch up with people.

There were so many special little touches, like seeing the
Shelly Family out on display.  My godfather got these for me
circa 1986,  I named the biggest one Shelly Turtle,
then we have Sister Shell,  and Baby Shell.
Somehow my mother managed to keep these
in amazing condition! Hopefully the peanut
will love them just as much as I do.

It was such a great day, and now I think we are pretty close to
being ready for the peanut's arrival- at least in terms of
baby gear.  Hopefully by next weekend his room will be
all set up for him.   Here's some more photos from
the shower.

This last picture is a perfect example of how
we can't go anywhere without dressing somewhat alike.
Either through patterns, color schemes, or exact articles of clothing.
Our trip to Charleston was laughable, we all wore
black blazers, scarves and skinny jeans and we all had bangs
at the time.  Then in Berlin, Meghan and I both brought
houndstooth dresses to wear to see the symphony.
Never gets old. Love these gals.

8 months

Here we are, a rare selfie.
32 weeks and counting.

The realization that he could actually be born before
his due date has caused me to start to get my act together.
The hospital bag will be packed soon, the house will be
stocked with things for labor, and the baby's room will
be ready (hopefully by the end of the month).

A lot of shopping, reorganizing, and list-making are about
to take place.  Amid all the mounting chaos I still find
myself stopping to wonder what date he will choose for his
birthday or what his little face will look like.

Biggest focuses now are mentally and physically preparing
for labor.  Lots of positive thinking, meditation, mantras,
yoga and whatever else will help me along this journey.

Mama Inspiration and a Dusting of Snow

There's something magical about waking up
to a pristine snowfall.



















It makes the house feel extra cozy and
seemingly makes the usual morning hot
chocolate taste even better.

Today I wanted to share something my friend
Kelly sent to me.  She just had a precious little
baby back in November and she has been
a wonderful support and and inspiration for me
through my own pregnancy.  This comes from
the site MysticMamma, but it's not just for Mama's,
I think anyone can read some of these posts and
take things away from them.  It's very uplifting.
Happy Friday, Lovebunnies.

oh to become a M O T H E R….

such a rite of passage

such an extraordinary experience…

like nothing else in the entire world…

your whole universe expands,

your heart grows bigger than you could ever imagine

and your existence shifts, dramatically, powerfully.

go with the force that pulls you open

and surrender to the newness that opens up in front of you.

commit to having no fear

surrender to the passage

and trust that

“all is unfolding exactly as it should”

(as it says in the desiderata)

a wonderful new world is about to open up

or perhaps already has,

and you are stronger than you ever knew!

and your coming into fUll blOOm

and this is your greatest gift!

seize it!

x

pure magic.

pregnant mammas are magical!!!

two souls in one

your aura is magnified

you are glowing

enjoy it

take sweet good care of yourself

rest

sleep

sleep some more

don’t worry

nothing is more important

than what you are going through

a new life is growing inside you

a new soul has come to you!!!!

chosen YOU

as their mother

you are birthing new life

you are a divine channel

what a gift

take good care mammas

and don’t worry

let nature take it’s course

your body will know what to do

just relax and be happy

trust

trust

trust in the perfection of the universe~~~

infinite blessings

Latest Obsessions

*Cat Shaped Marshmallows
Why do these not exist in NYC so I can
have kitty festive hot chocolate?!
The cutest things always come from Japan..
if I lived there I'd probably start looking like this.
Which really is not the worst case scenario for me
but I have a feeling the husband might not dig it.

*Chez Hortense Creperie

*Trying to squash the travel itch
This year feels unpredictable, with a new addition
to the family it's not likely that we'll be taking a crazy trip
this year. But that doesn't stop me from dreaming about
visiting Japan, or of escaping back to Iceland and floating
around the blue lagoon,  or heading to France for some
wine adventures.  There is always next year, right?

*Friends on Netflix
I have to admit that I've been binge watching.
It's hermit month for me so it's all about staying at my house.
The husband get stir crazy but I rarely do, so it's been
all about revisiting the 90's, staying cozy, and going to
bed at 10:30.  There's no taming my wild spirit in January..

*Chocolate
Give me everything, cake/cookies/hot chocolate
it's just all I've wanted.

*Seeing the Matisse exhibit at MoMA
I will get there. oh yes, I will get there..

So This is Nesting..

Yesterday I spontaneously cleaned
the kitchen counters and reorganized them.
I cleaned out all the crap from the fridge
and threw away unnecessary things.
Today I cleaned the bottom of the fridge,
drawers and all.

At some point in the cleaning madness I thought
to myself "oh, so this is nesting..", the point in which a
very pregnant mother feels the urge to prepare her
house for the new baby.  Or is it more with the
knowledge that you just won't have the time to
do such thorough projects after the baby is born?
Either way- it's happening.

The baby's basket of things in the back room is
beginning to overflow with stuff,  larger
baby shower gifts have started to be delivered.
This is real. This is actually happening.
Someone else will be living with us soon.

Sometimes I feel totally cool with that fact,
other times I feel as though just the thought of
it could make my brain explode.

As a die-hard planner my biggest issue with this
whole situation is the inability to see past the next
10 weeks.  But I suppose this is a good lesson in
letting go and embracing the unknown.

New Year.

It was an unusual New Year's Eve at the Costanzo house.
The husband had a fever, so I took care of him as best I
could but I'm still recovering too so I didn't want this
cold (or something worse) to relapse.

We spent the night in separate rooms, watching different
movies/shows and wishing we could be near each other.
The highlight of my night was hearing him laugh hysterically
from our bedroom while watching Raising Arizona.
I was asleep by 11pm- needless to say it was one of the more
uneventful New Year's Eve's that we've had.

Now here we are in 2015,  a big year to say the least.
I'm about 10 weeks away from my due date and the
reality of what's happening is really beginning to set in.
I've never been a big fan of resolutions, but here is my
list of hopes for the new year.

*That my birth process will be smooth and healthy
for both of us.

*That I will find boatloads of inner strength to deal with
labor pains and just let my body do it's thing.

*To be a good mother, not compare myself to others,
to take each day as it comes and live in the present.

*To use this new chapter to see family and friends more

*Continue creating things, whether it's gluing, doodling,
or just baking biscuits. Using the time that I will have
to make something wonderful.

*To accept changes with patience and grace.

Happy New Year! Wishing everyone who reads this a
very exciting and prosperous 2015 :)